So I'm having this problem I like to affectionately call, "Chick Mania," which is similar to, but not the same as, "The Crazy".
I spent a significant part of my adolescent years dreaming about my life to come. What would I want to do? What would I look like? Would I even get my braces off? Would I ever stop driving a sicknasty Plymouth van? Would I go to K-State like my sisters? And what about Joe? (HAHA, a personal shout out to those of you who were my friends then. or who pretended to be my friend, when in actuality, you hated me.)
In true feminine form, I had intricately planned details of my FUTURE future. What would my wedding colors be? (brown, ivory, and wine; or yellow and stark white, depending on the season) Where would I get married? (in Kansas City at Colonial, duh, tradition) Who would be standing behind me? (depends on when you ask me) How would I walk down the aisle? (Coldplay--Amsterdam)
The reason I thought about these things was because I operated under the assumption that by the time I was leaving college, I would be engaged. That's what you do. You go to college, find Dream Man McGee, date them for years, then get engaged and have a candlelighting at Kappa where everyone gushes over how lucky you are and how glad they are that you found the one person that makes you happy for the rest of eternity.
oops.
This is what I'm saying: DON'T ASSUME. NEVER ASSUME. AVOID ASSUMPTIONS LIKE THE PLAGUE. I think God hates assumptions with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. Assumptions: Lion; Me: Unsuspecting lamb. Assumptions: open manhole; me: blind. Assumptions: dollar section at Target; me: me.
It has recently come to my realization that this plan that I made? is now an IMPOSSIBLITY. Am I okay with that? I'm getting there. Are questions such as will I have a paying job and will I ever find a place to live and what is a W9 and will I go back to Old Chicago for another 5 years flooding my mind and making me lie awake at night making endless to-do lists? ...Maybe.
The candlelighting thing is the biggest problem I have. As my friends have been getting engaged lately, I have become INCREASINGLY aware of my aloneness. I don't think that I am any more insecure than the next girl. God only knows why women were made for this companionship in a way that makes long to be in an intimate relationship with another person. Literally-- God only knows. Am I not happy for my friends? Hells nah. I love their loves and am so excited for their lives together. I just have to adapt to the fact that although I will probably get married one day (HERE'S HOPING!), it is not going to be on my time. Although I have my candlelighting quotes picked out, they won't get used. And I definitely think it is fine for me to mourn the death of this dream.
And while I may not get to come home late one night and wake someone up to tell the news, at least I have wonderful people surrounding me that I'm willing to bet will be around when I do have news.
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4 comments:
I hear you, my dear friend.
Those crazy candles that never feel the heat of a flame and that nutty "backstairs poem" can really get to you, BUT I am here to tell you there is life on the other side. I promise. I'm proof.
Take courage. Your time will come. And when it does, there won't be anyone sneaking bites of their food in between love quotes, and no one will get their grubby crumbs all over your gorgeous bling.
p.s. That's my favorite Joshua Radin lyric.
a. you will walk down the aisle to coldplay-lovers in japan.
b. agreed on all you said.
c. OF COURSE I WILL BE THERE WHEN YOU HAVE GOOD NEWS...
d. God's plan is never ours. so maybe if we both decide we are never going to get married, we will trick God and he will bring dream man mcgee around.
e. lets just life it up while we are here, and then come back for our candlelighting, no one will ever expect it. and all these girls will read cards and be like "who is it?" and then it will be US.(but not getting engaged to eachother, but to separate men...maybe twins?)
ok. love you. and understand you.
You can always wake me up when you have news.
Despite the fact that you don't answer your phone even though I know you already have it in your hand because I got a text message from you a millisecond earlier.
Right now must be one of those times that I'm NOT standing behind you at your wedding.
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