more than your resident psycho

Do you know what I think I do too much? There are a lot of things that could finish this sentence. But what I am talking about is talking to myself. I do this a lot. More than I think can possibly be healthy for any human being. And I find that this already large amount increases exponentially in times of stress, embarrassment, or simply being in my car. I can carry on entire conversations without the aid of another human being. Let's explore, for instance, my most recent trip to Target.

I rarely allow myself to go to Target. The reason for this is that my mind nearly implodes at the ratio of amazing-and-affordable things per square inch. At Halloween, Target almost convinced me I needed a pair of leggings with ghosts and candy corns on them. What? I know. This is what Target does-- it seduces me. Needless to say, when I arrive, I am overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety and stress. Asylum-level talking-to-self is the inevitable outcome.

Actual Inner Dialogue that Actually Took Place in My Actual Head at Target:

Okay, stick to the list. What do we need, Mara? First things first: let's get that car thing. Gas tank fluid, gas tank fluid, gas ta--WHAT! That set of Sharpies is only 11 dollars?! I need that. Buy it. It's such a deal. NO. Children are starving. You already own Sharpies, leave the aisle. Walk away. Good job. Gas tank fluid... gas tank fluid. Check. Okay, now we need Tupperware. Okay, you may trek to the kitchenware side through the clothes department, just to check. Ugly, you don't need it, ugly, you already have one, ug-- WHAT?! A shirt with a Charlie Brown Christmas tree?! I do love Charlie Brown Christmas... You are 20 years old, keep walking. OOOH, now that is cute. How cute? I think it's 15 dollars worth of cute. Price tag... 20 dollars? Maybe that's what I meant. Children starving. Okay, Tupperware it is. Because you said no to clothes, you may meander all of the kitchenware aisles. I WANT TO MAKE PASSIONATE LOVE TO THE KITCHENWARE AISLES. Cookie jar, mixing bowls, Thomas O'Brien towels-- I NEED ALL OF THESE THINGS. Mara, you are being a huge idiot. You have nowhere to put a colander. You don't even have a kitchen. STOP LUSTING. Get the Tupperware and run to the register with your eyes closed, you stupid idiot.

Now you see why I don't allow myself the luxury of going alone to Target-- it is simply too dangerous.