lifelong side effects

Way back when I was in elementary school, we had this counselor. I'm a little fuzzy on the details but I think her main job was to give all of us a moral compass. Which is something kids need so, good for her.

Unfortunately, when I was in first grade, she came to our class to teach us a lesson on not judging a book by its cover. She read us the book Stellaluna. You probably remember it. It was about bats. And she read it to our class and asked, what do we learn from this story? Being the angelic student I was, I immediately rose my hand and said, "To be friends with everyone, no matter what they look like." The class went on and the counselor left. Later, I got called into her counseling dungeoun in the middle of the library...

I OF COURSE started hyperventillating. I felt like I was being sent to the principal's office. I got there and she told me that she felt like I was mocking her when I raised my hand about being friends with everyone no matter what they look like.

um... I'm a first-grader. I don't even know if I know what mocking means.

I tell her sorry (for what, exactly?) and go back to my classroom. And I vividly remember standing outside Ms. Hartwig's room for what seemed like years trying to stop crying.

Now, I wish I could go back in time and watch Little Mara raise her hand and vocalize her moral compass lesson. Did she say it sassy? Was she being a Little B? AND I STILL DO THAT TODAY. After conversations with people in authority, I sometimes agonize over the details and hope I didn't do something inadvertantly sassy.

Sometimes I wonder where my history of emotional breakdowns comes from. Was it when my violin teacher yelled at me because I moved those little pegs? Was it when I was dating a boy in college while I was in high school, a boy I hardly ever thought about until he dumped me? Was it at the first movie I ever cried at, Armageddon?


But I think, dear children, that it was at Stellaluna. I should go read that book again...

the odd man out

is this real life?

I have just started watching the news. I mean The News. that real adults watch. I think it is partially because I am a working woman (working... for free... at an internship... but I think that counts). Partially, it's because watching Food Network in light of what's happening in Haiti. But I am watching the news nonetheless.

Here is something that I'm a little bit incredulous about. In Massachusetts, they're electing a senator who, basically, will sway the vote on health care. So this ONE election is super important. The Democratic candidiate, a Lady, was totally winning so she went on vacation and stuff. During that time, the Republican candidate, a Man, started leading in the polls. So there's all this CRAZY campaigning going on to make sure Lady wins so health care bill passes. That all checks out okay.

But then... as I learned today... Obama started campaigning for Lady. Um.... is this even legal? constitutional? ethically appropriate? It kind of seems like he, being the PRESIDENT and all, should not be taking part in this other election. Shouldn't he be seemingly unbiased? He can come to Massachusetts and tell people they should vote for Lady?! That seems COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE.

So here I am, watching him speak to the group and it is the most SLEEZY, UNPROFESSIONAL SPEECH I'VE EVER SEEN. As he walks on, the crow cheers like adolescents watching Taylor Swift win another Grammy. He is just eating it up. Some teeny-bopper "activist" chick says, I LOVE YOU OBAMA. To which he responds, "I love you too." WHAT?!?! Am I at an Owl City show? band members shamelessly throwing themselves at the mercy of their prepubescent fans? Is this really a political campaign speech being given by a PRESIDENT!? Is this real life?

IT GETS WORSE. He starts making JOKES at the expense of Man! He throws this guy under the bus saying he doesn't know if Man has been doing a good job thus far, but he definitely wouldn't be better than Lady. umm... what? you don't KNOW? and yet, here you are, mocking his existence? I will be the first to admit that I know nothing about the policies of Lady and Man. But it seems IRRELEVANT considering the band of idiots playing out on my television screen.

I think I might be severely confused about the actually duties of being the President...

destined

I've been trying to post this blog but it hasn't been working. But maybe it's for the best.

Instead, use the amount of time you would have spent reading this praying for Haiti.

more 2010

Alright, here's the deal.

I am now declaring 2010 the year of Mara loving Mara.

That might sound selfish. And maybe it is. But I think it's necessary. This year, I am debating phasing out all relationships that are causing me unnecessary stress or drama. My sister did this one year and did a great job at obeying her committment to this phasing out process.

I've thought about this a lot. As a follower of Jesus, I do think that I am supposed to love people. We recently had a sermon at church about choosing love over just being kind, and I really want to do this. But what if loving certain people conistently leaves you feeling defenseless and insignificant? What if you are admittedly bad at being graceful and forgiving, but being around them literally causes you physical and emotional pain?

I hope to one day be so full of Jesus' love that I can openly spill out to even people who hate me. But it seems irresponsible of me to continue to try [and fail] to invest in and show unconditional to people when I don't really feel like I have it in me.

Part of me thinks I am supposed to try harder to love. It's always easier to love people you don't really know. It's people who you have lived and been with for years that are the hard ones to love. That's why love isn't EASY. it takes committment and effort. And Jesus tells us that we have to commit to loving people even when [not if, because it always is] it is challenging. Not in hopes of convincing or converting at all, but just because love is the way of life He shows us is best. And I know that.

But I also don't really believe that God would encourage someone to continue engaging in a relationship for years when it causes wounds that give way to bitterness and resentment.Wounds that seriously affect that person's perception of themself. I don't think He would endorse unkindness in such relationships. But I just can't believe He would tell someone to JUST KEEP TRUCKING in relationships that have VERY little fruit-- NO fruit-- THE OPPOSITE OF FRUIT (if it existed).

SO. Some relationships won't make the cut. If you are concerned that MY relationships with YOU won't make the cut, don't worry. This probably doesn't apply to you. But some will indeed, not make the cut. And I think that will help the journey of Mara loving Mara.

Selfish? I don't think so. Just a first step into believing being fearfully and wonderfully made.

well, that coulda been you... that's what I was leaning towards?

This is the greatest part of the movie, He's Just Not That Into You. A movie that I think has more truth in it than people give it credit for. It's a crappy clip but OH MY GOODNESS THE ACCURACY.

2010, filled with zen

Every New Year's, I get very nostalgic. I mean, it's a holiday devoted to vowing to make yourself better at life! and who needs stupid goals about working out? (I totally have this goal, against my better judgment and knowledge that I will FAIL). I am also going to try to be more zen. What do you mean, Mara?

Every year, our high school student council advisor has a reunion. All of the student body officers from years past come and gets nostalgic about high school, is pretty much what happens. We find out what everyone is up to now that they OH MY GOSH, are so old. The picture albums from the days of yore (way back in the 1990s) and everyone looks through them. In our year, there was a final we had to take covering the events over the year. My fellow officers looked at it together. There was a question about who did the most work every day in the StuCo office. And we were all, WHO WAS IT? It wasn't Sparks. Was it me? Libby? Andrew? No one knew!

This brings up such crazy implications. There were so many times in high school when I would have a mental breakdown or go into cardiac arrest because of.... I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER. I distinctly remember these freakouts but CANNOT, for the life of me, remember why! It was such a huge deal then, but, in retrospect, did not matter at all.

This is something I definitely wish I could remember when I face my next problem. Unfortunately, if anyone were to remind me of this and confirm that this, in fact, was not a big deal, I may, in fact, kill them. It's one of those dangerous statements that would put one in the direct path of The Crazy. So I am going to make it a New Year's resolution to try to handle things a bit more calmly, with a bit more zen, and look at the big picture in my life.

So what was one of the StuCo final questions that we did all remember four years after the fact? That the officer that ripped her beltloop and couldn't make it up the wall at the challenge course.... was me.

Awesome.

Happy New Year, all.