what I learned in FSHS 550: The Family

• There are only like 95 men for each 100 women in America.
• Because of this, lots of women are becoming "involuntarily single"*.
• A good 96 percent of the people in my class are married, engaged, or almost engaged.
• Perhaps I should not have taken this class.

interesting.
mara.

*THIS IS THE PHRASE THE BOOK ACTUALLY USED. I know you're probably all, "Come on, Mara." But is legit. Even I couldn't come up with jargon that hilariously fitting.

don't let it go to your head, valentine's day window displays

roses are red,
and here's how I feel:
when it comes to national holidays,
YOU'RE NOT EVEN REAL.


raising awareness for singles nationwide,
mara ann cavallaro

to whom it may concern:

What is with you making computer viruses? And furthermore, what is with you naming them Antivirus 2009? What is with you preying on innocent little lambs who just want to watch "How I Met Your Mother" on sketchy Chinese websites? The only reason-- ONLY REASON-- I can condone this kind of behavior, this outrageous creation of malicious software, is if a computer kidnapped you, tied you to a chair, duct taped your eyes open, and made you watch as they killed your family. Outside of this outlandish possibility, what you have done to my otherwise flawless* computer is completely inexcusable.

Love,
A Concerned Citizen.

*it's called creative license, people.

three beautiful verbs

Is one permitted to make a excerpt from a book part of one's New Year's Resolutions if one really loves aforementioned excerpt. I think that hells yeah, one can. You guys might even want to try this resolution too! I recently read Eat, Pray, Love and it is so fantastic. It's not really theologically Biblical but there are definitely fantastic life lessons. Basically, this lady gets a divorce, falls in love with this other guy, and then has to get over him too. All the while battling the ever-paralyzing Crazy that many of us women, (what? no? not all of us?) battle on a daily basis.

So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore." Every time a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow. I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. The first time I hear myself say this, my inner ear perked up at the word "harbor," which is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind--a little beat up, perhaps, a little storm-worn, but well situated and with a nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self (which is a young and volcanic island, yes, but fertile and promising) . . . And now-- let the word go out across the seven seas--there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.

You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague of ships of thoughts with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts-- all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assassins, desperate prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways-- you may not come here anymore either. Cannibalistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened carfully, for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind--otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came.

That is my mission, and it will never end.

amen.
mara.

frigidity

CONS:
--[prominent] chin freezing so fast, it makes you talk like a drunk 4-year-old
--sniffing and feeling your snot freeze inside your nose
--having your whole inner-head get shocked because your glove gently grazes your headphones cord (what IS that?!)

PROS:
--snuggle
--cuddle
--huggle

ode to the lady who fixed my enrollment

I was spiraling into a deep, dark depression spurred by enrollment and effing isis (whose ode will
come later, and it will be rated R)

If I were sacrilegious, I would write you a psalm.

If I were an artist, I would build a huge statue of you made of Cymbalta and put it in the middle of the quad.

If I were a boy, and not a student, and we had been dating for a while, and had defined the parameters of our relationship, and I could dig the chemistry between us, I would kiss you right on the mouth.

would you rather...

... get curb-stomped (which means you bite a curb and someone kicks the back of your head)

OR

stick a large metal nail under your big toenail and kick a wall as hard as you can.


THINGS TO CONSIDER:
-Curb stomping could very seriously end in death. Or, at the very least, a mangled stub of a mouth.
-no, you can't just lightly tap the wall.
-You have to pick one.
-no matter what, someone will always respond to this question with a reference to American History X. This doesn't matter much in the decision but, seriously, EVERY TIME. It's uncanny.


as for me, I would pick ABSOLUTELY getting curb-stomped. Because after that mental image of kicking the wall with that nail under there... AAAAAAH. WHO COULD PICK THAT FATE?! IT'S UNIMAGINABLE. I would pick ANYTHING over that.