like ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife

Fact: If my life were a movie-- and let's be clear, it totally could be-- it would be a SMASH. It would make you weep, laugh, weep, laugh, all in the opening credits. Do you ever experience those crazy nights, and you're just basking in the absurdity of it all, but then you say, "this could be so much worse. Such and such could have happened." That such and such? That is where my 90% of my life is spent. I live in Painfully Ironicland.

I drop my phone in Wal-Mart at 103 and Metcalf. I get to Houlihan's with my friends at 119 and Nall and I'm all, OOPS. I go back to Wal-Mart, calling my phone from my friend's the whole way. No answer, but I finally get a text. Then this stimulating conversation happened via text message:

?: Do u no this fone is at walmart? i found it.
me: I'm on my way to come get it! Thanks!
?: i'm at hm
me: uh, home? can I come get it? where is your house? [WHO FINDS A PHONE AND THINKS IT IS OKAY TO TAKE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE?! WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE IT AT WAL-MART?! WHY DID YOU RUIN MY LIFE?!]
?: dont no, i'm from out of town. ur lucky im nice cuz u have a badass phone
me: [!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] can you tell me your address or something?
?: im staying at la quinta hotel

So I ask the guy from Wal-Mart where it is, and he's all, I-35 and 95th. So off I go to meet with this [EXTREMELY SKETCHY] character. I get there, I go to where the person said, and they're all, where are you? and I'm all, at the front where are you? and they're all, at the front.

People. I had gone. to the wrong. La Quinta.

So I ask the front desk guy: How the [expletive] do you get to the [expletive] other La Quinta? And off I go, back to 103 and Metcalf. I search this intersection for what seems like YEARS before I find it. Then I finally get my phone from She Who Could Have Been Rapist But Is Actually Just Sassy. A two-hour ordeal.

Two.

Hours.

It's one of those stories that, somewhere down the line, will be really funny, but at the time you can do nothing else except the classic weepndrive, an action I have, by this point, thanks to my ironic life, mastered. Comma, comma, comma.